I've Loved You So Long
by FastForward
Summary: Small somewhat one-sided KakaIru fic. Spoilers for Naruto up to Chapter 440.


**Disclaimer: Not mine.**

**AN: Spoilers for up to chapter 440 of Naruto. Written for Zora88 on Y.  
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**I've Loved You So Long.**

The sound of the heart rate monitor was really starting to bother me. It was just a constant reminder of how hard he was struggling to stay alive. Every pause between heartbeats caused my own heart to lurch in my chest in fear. Because what if the next one didn't come? What if instead, he just flat-lined?

I clenched my fists against my thighs, resisting the urge to reach out and clutch his hand; to make sure he was still warm, and the heart monitor wasn't lying. He looked so pale, so white—so dead.

_But he's not dead,_ I reminded myself for the millionth time. _He's going to be fine._ Of that, I couldn't be sure.

Tsunade didn't look very optimistic. Her eyes looked too tight, and her smile was too fake.

In fact, I was pretty sure she'd been lying to me when she said he would recover without any problems.

But he _would_ be fine. Why? Because I knew the bastard was too damn fucking stubborn to die. He wasn't going to go out like this. It was too damn glorious. He was going to die a miserable death of old age, not go out fighting. That was too perfect. That was too much like the end he would want.

And he wasn't allowed to have his way. I'd never let him. It wasn't fair, for him to go out in all that glory while everyone else had to stick around for the aftermath of his death. The stupid selfish asshole. He wasn't going to get away with it that easily.

The door clicked slightly before it opened, my eyes travelling upwards, away from the prone body lying on the bed. They caught sight of the senbon first, and I knew who was coming into the room.

Seconds later, he had entered, looking around slowly, first at the body lying in the bed, and then at me. His eyes were warm, the older man moving towards me, but honestly, he was probably the last person I wanted to see.

Or maybe second last.

His love-interest walked through the door behind him.

"Hey, Iruka." He shifted his weight easily.

Raidou shifted his awkwardly.

"Hi Genma." _Why are you here and what the hell do you want?_

"We're going out to get some food." Genma was playing with his senbon. It was a nervous habit he'd picked up. Which meant even though he was acting all nice and casual, and caring—he actually didn't like being here any more than I _wanted_ him here. "Did you want to come along?"

"I'm not hungry." _I'd only barf it up anyway, what with how worried I am, asshole._

"Come on, 'Ru, it'll be good for you to get out of this stuffy room." He was still playing with his senbon. "I mean, it's not like he's going anywhere, right?"

Raidou winced at that, looking incredibly uncomfortable. He obviously knew Genma's words had hit home. And he was right.

"I'm fine here, thanks." _Of course **you** can fucking say that!_ "But thanks for the concern, Genma." _The person **you** love is standing right be-fucking-hind you!_ I forced a smile.

It must have been convincing, because Genma smiled back. A genuine, full-blown Genma smile. "Well, did you want us to bring you anything back?"

"No thanks." _Will you please just get the fuck out of here?_

"Okay. We'll see you in a bit, Iruka." Waving, Genma exited the room, wrapping an arm around Raidou's shoulders in a friendly manner. After all, I'm not the only one keeping secrets. The big lug doesn't know shit about how Genma feels about him.

Did that matter? Not really. It's not like I care what goes on in Genma's life. After all, the fucking inconsiderate asshole trotted in here with _his_ perfectly fine love interest while _knowing_ mine is probably dying. Thanks, Genma. Thanks a lot.

Though I shouldn't really blame him. I knew he was looking out for me, even if the idiot didn't consider how I would feel to see Raidou perfectly fine. I should cut him some slack, or something. I don't know...

I went back to staring at the heart-rate monitor, listening for each beat of his heart. Watching each rise and fall of his chest. How long had he been like this? Too long. God, too fucking long. I could hardly _stand_ it!

My eyes itched with need to sleep, but I didn't want to. What if—_Don't you dare finish that sentence!_ But I couldn't help it. What if he died while I was asleep? What if he passed away, and I never even got the chance to say anything? Not 'goodbye' or 'I love you' or _anything_?

No, I can't sleep until he wakes up. Even if it takes him days. It'll be worth it. At least he's stable. Or—I think he is. He seems okay. But I'm not a doctor. I'm just a stupid school teacher.

I stood up and started pacing. Moving around helped a little. It meant I wasn't focussing on his heart-rate. Which was good for my own heart, which kept threatening to explode or something.

I turned back when I heard a deep inhale, my heart jack-hammering in my chest. I almost flew back to my chair, but managed to walk back calmly, sitting down and staring. Willing for him to wake up. To bring me some sense of relief.

Pale eyebrows drew together before purpled lids slowly opened, mismatched eyes unfocussed while Kakashi surveyed the room, his body instantly going rigid before recognizing where he was. Slowly, his muscles relaxed and he turned his head to look at me.

"Hey." It was lame, but it was all my brain could come up with.

"Iruka?" He was frowning again. I wanted to reach out and rub the frown-lines away, they would give him a headache. "What are you doing here?"

I knew he didn't mean it as an insult. I would be wondering why someone I barely knew was there, too. "I wanted to make sure you woke up all right," I answered easily. As if it were no big deal. "You're important to a lot of people who can't be here for you themselves. I thought it'd be nice for me to watch over you for them." _It's only partly a lie. You'll never know anyway._

"Oh." Kakashi frowned, seeming like he was trying to think of who would be thinking of him. Then his eyes widened and he lurched towards me, as if to grab me, but the wires and tubes connected to his body stopped him. "Naruto! And Sakura! Are they all right?"

_He cares so much for them._

"Yes, they're fine."

_Why can't he care like that for me?_

"Naruto is injured, but Tsunade says he'll be good as new in no time," I continued, shifting in my chair and reaching out for the jug of water beside his bed. "Sakura is busy helping the wounded, so she can't stay with you as often as she would like." I poured him a glass of water and handed it to him.

He took it, nodding a thanks, and drank a small sip. And it was like it had opened the floodgates, because he downed the glass in less than five seconds and seemed to hesitate, as if not exactly knowing what to do.

I reached out and took it from him, refilling the glass and handing it back to him so he could drink it, which he did. I had to refill it three more times before he finally had enough, and I took the glass from him to place it on the table.

An awkward silence followed. Or—I found it awkward, anyway.

"Are you hungry or anything?" I stood up. "Should I get Tsunade? She'll be happy to see you awake."

"No. I'm fine. And she'll come to me when she has time." Kakashi played with the edge of his sheet, avoiding my eyes.

It was stressing me out.

"Well, if you don't need anything else, I guess I should get going." I moved towards the door, slowly enough so he could stop me if he needed something else, but quickly enough that it wasn't obvious I wanted to stay.

"Um, Iruka-sensei?"

I paused, turning my head in his direction slightly. He was looking at me, now. It was amazing how much better he looked already. His skin was still pale, but it didn't look as sallow as before.

"Yes?"

"You asked if I needed anything else." He pulled at the side of his mask, obviously nervous, though you'd never know it if you didn't watch him as closely as I did. "I don't need so much as want something."

"Oh?" I turned to face him fully.

"I'd really like some company." He smiled, his eyes curving happily.

It made my heart give a double thump in my chest.

"If you'd be willing to stay. If you don't have anywhere else to be."

I tried not to let my happiness show on my face, and walked back to the chair at a reasonable pace. I sat down, feeling my heart slamming against my ribcage in happiness, and hoping there wasn't an imprint of it on my shirt.

Smiling, I reached forward and hesitently touched one of his hands in a friendly manner. A very Genma-Raidou-I'm-being-friendly-and-that's-all touch.

"I can stay. However long you need."

_Forever is fine with me._

**END.**


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